Which UH players would you find at Area 51?

Warren Rosegreen

Today is the long-awaited raid of Area 51, where thousands of skeptics have gathered outside the military base and have no chance of getting in to uncover the government’s secrets about extraterrestrial existence. It’s an absolutely absurd idea, but I give them credit for following through with it and gathering.

For this article’s purposes, let’s pretend that the raiders there do succeed and are able to breach one of the most secretive and protected places on Earth. What would they find? There’s long been speculation that NBA players like Giannis Antetokounmpo of Kawhi Leonard are not humans and were actually sent to us from another galaxy. There are a few UH players that I’m not convinced are human either, and there’s a chance their origin story started in Lincoln County, Nevada.

John Pichon

This is an obvious starting point, as I’m totally convinced Pichon is not human. He is built to be a dominant presence, with a listed 6’6”, 205 frame. The listed weight feels a bit low, as I would bet Pichon is heavier due to being almost 100% muscle. He has a massive wingspan, good timing and unreal springs that leads to massive blocks and constant headaches for opposing offensive players. He’s also able to use that length and athleticism to dominate the glass and throw down vicious put-back dunks.

Vigil gliding through the air

The combination of his size, athleticism and skill that was given to him in Area 51 has led him to averaging 27.3 and 12.8, shooting 65% from the field.

Jordan Vigil

UH Arizona has plenty of suspicious activity going on, with players like Dermaine Crockrell, Tevin Kelly and Juice Hedrick, who all show signs of possible extraterrestrial activity. Vigil seems the most likely though, as I believe he can actually levitate in the air, he just won’t show it when he plays in the National Tournament (although he gets close on the transition dunks he throws down).

His hops help him bring down 8.7 rebounds a game, despite being listed at 5’10”. And for someone that’s under 6’0”, his head still gets above the rim during dunks. Like I said, I think he can levitate, and his creators may have done a poor job of hiding it.

Chris Cox

Another prototype that was designed with no body fat, which puts Cox on the watchlist. People like to compare dominant players to aliens, thinking if we had players sent to us from other galaxies, they would likely be put here to dominate. Aliens are much smarter than that, as they sprinkle in guys that don’t score 30 a game to fool us.

Cox will rarely take over a game offensively, as he only averages 9.1 shot attempts per game. Cox was brought to Earth to shut down opposing offensive threats on defense, and he’s elite at it. His combination of strength and quickness allows him to shut down all kinds of players of varying skills and sizes.

Mychal Parker

Parker about to throw down

Just like most humans that watch basketball, I’m enamored by players with high verticals who can absolutely throw down. Aliens know this, so they give us players like Parker, who throws down alley-oops as easily as I tie my shoes. He made his National Tournament debut at Sky back in August and did not disappoint when it came to providing jam-dropping highlights. He threw down three alley-oop dunks in the first game of the tournament, with two of them coming from passes off the backboard.

He glides through the air and comes close to flying at times when he dunks or denies shots. Dominique Wilkins was nicknamed the “Human Highlight Reel”. I would say that applies to Parker too, except for the human part.

Warren Rosegreen

Rosegreen might be the most suspicious case, as he has the athleticism to match with a lot of guys on list, except he’s in his mid-40s. Rosegreen does a phenomenal job of keeping himself in shape and playing at an elite level, but maybe that’s because age is just a construct in alien life? Rosegreen being able to throw down thunderous dunks later in life could be explained by his diet and exercise, but wouldn’t him not aging because he’s not human make just as much sense?

And what does the last name Rosegreen sound like? Roswell. Like, Roswell, New Mexico, where a UFO allegedly crash-landed in 1947. Maybe that’s how Rosegreen got to Earth and he’s even older than we thought? That might be a reach, but like Kevin Garnett (another possible alien) once said, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”