Pickup hoops has many redeeming qualities - great exercise, keep the competitive juices flowing, establishing friendships, having fun - but it can also serve as a career fair. See the resumes of these hoopers that you frequently encounter on the hardwood.

Banker – Overall nerd vibe. Shirt tucked in. Knee pads. Might be wearing black dress socks. Not very athletic. You fall victim to one of the cardinal sins of pick up hoops, "the game of first impressions.” He doesn’t look the part so you sag off him and then he’s money from the outside, he drills three straight 3s and you are officially hustled.

Coach – This guy is providing instruction from the time you start shooting for teams. He probably coached third and fourth grade basketball so he wants to tell you about defensive rotations, when to cut, etc. Nine times out of 10 someone loses their cool and goes off on him.

Referee – He. Calls. Everything. Seemingly never misses a shot where he doesn’t get fouled. You can always count on him to call the all too predictable foul on "game point". Insert James Harden eye roll.

Doctor – Not to be confused with Julius Erving, this is the person who comes up with the immediate diagnosis on every sprain, cut, and injury. "That’s gonna be at least 10 stitches. I know an ACL tear when I see one. With that much blood that’s a broken nose guaranteed.”

Park Ranger – This is the guy that feels entitled to camp in the paint all day long. Granted it is pickup ball so we’re not here to be sticklers to the three-second rule…but at least pass through the lane after your s’mores are done.

Actuary – He systematically cheats on the score. Yells it out each time figuring that his voice of confidence will discourage others from challenging him. When you do challenge him, he says “but I yelled it out last possession and we just scored so add one”. If the score was wrong then, it’s still wrong now. Logic and reason fail with this guy.

Optometrist – The man with laser vision. Stands on the opposite side of the floor at mid court and can clearly see that the ball bounced out on the baseline. Think of all the money the NBA could have saved on their investments in instant replay…all they had to do was hire this guy.

Judge – The wily veteran on the court that’s played at the gym the longest; everyone defers to him on a wide range of topics like how the sign up list works, who gets the ball in OT and how to handle disputes that can’t be resolved.

Retiree – AKA the Fossil. Passes up on his weekly AARP meeting and sure enough gets stuck on your squad so you have no chance of winning. Can’t guard his own shadow and was probably a decent shooter back in the day but it’s tough to take him seriously when the release point of his jumper is behind his head and he starts mentioning that they didn’t even have a 3-point line back in his day. Definitely wearing New Balances (no shade to Kawhi). Uncle Drew is the exception, not the rule.

Inventor – Basically Thomas Edison. This is the guy who invents new moves (some legal, most illegal), like the Euro two step with the hop at the end, the 15-foot runner, the dramatic hesi that would make Alan Iverson blush or the double-double step back inspired by James Harden.

Professional – Sure, he’s likely one of the better players on the court but he’s more concerned with convincing everyone he’s one phone call away from suiting up for the Lakers. He probably has an upcoming tryout with the G League, often seen working on cone dribbling drills when everyone arrives and guaranteed to be wearing a team issued T-shirt or shorts from G League squad to perpetuate the legend.

Butcher – The guy who literally carves you up and treats your forearms like a slab of bacon. He’s a hack. He relies on the fact that if he fouls you every possession, there’s no way you’ll call it every time, giving him the advantage. And he’s clearly adopted the no layup rule for pickup hoops, even if that means sending someone to the emergency room.

The career types you'll see in pickup